I’ll be honest. I am ambivalent about Christmas this year and it seems I’m not the only one. The consumerism, debates about what Santa is and isn’t, and the constant marketing from November onwards holding up the bar we need to aspire to so we conform to the ideal. I won’t open a can of worms by suggesting that we change it to be a Thanksgiving Day, do away with presents and just spend time with the people we love. However, maybe by the time I’ve finished writing this, I might be able to put my rose-coloured spectacles on and get over myself.
It’s been a tough year with two huge endings; an enjoyable corporate career and a one-of-its-kind relationship… and I’m not over it yet. There is still pain lodged in me that needs to be walked, talked, cried, massaged, yoga’ed, laughed out. Not just from this year, but from recurring childhood pain (something we all have) that has been brought to the surface again. Maybe the silver lining will be some final lancing of the boil. I’m fed up with feeling this way and I’m sure others are too. This is probably a good place to thank everyone who has been here for me this year, for your love, listening, understanding and patience. You have helped me to keep my heart open.
One fallacy about grief is that it can take a year to “process” as you let go of all the “this time last year” thoughts. However, we know that grief has a life of its own and there is no norm. The more sensitive someone is, the more complex the grief can be too. We had a guest speaker from the Grief Centre at a Celebrant network meeting recently. Two things stuck with me; how much society wants people to move through it quickly because it’s uncomfortable to be around, and that 4-7 months after an ending can be the most difficult period. They also say that where there is deep grief, there was deep love, so it makes sense that where there are highs, there may also be lows.
Last Christmas was a high. I was in love and we had a wonderful holiday period sailing together, and then spent 12 days with my ex’s three children, a new experience for me, and one that I enjoyed. The weather was rainy and windy, but we made individual wish lists that included a cherry pip spitting competition, swimming in the rain, jumping off the high diving boards at the local pool, hanging out reading and playing lots of games. I feel sad not having the same experience to look forward to this year.
In my last blog, I talked about stating your intention and inviting it in. While I am writing this, I have been connecting with one of my Zenergy colleagues to agree some principles for working together next year. We always agree a personal and collective purpose for the year. Last year, mine was To Embody Commitment. I realise that I have achieved that big time! Firstly, by choosing to leave corporate life for more soul-based work, and secondly, my relationship ended because my partner didn’t have the capacity to sustain the level of commitment he thought I needed. It was probably a blessing that he made that decision on his own, or I might have compromised my own needs to stay in the relationship. Maybe the pain of 2018 was about discovering what I am truly committed to. Committed, real, joyful connections.
It has been suggested that one of the reasons my pain is still with me is that I have been trying too hard to process it, wanting it to go away, rather than just being with it. We are increasingly living in a “put a smile on your dial” society. However, the more we resist something the more it seems to hang around.
“What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” Carl Jung
So next year, I am going to focus on Mastering Presence. Presence is key to being a masterful facilitator and being connected to self, an other and a group. It is about being rather than doing, connecting from your whole body rather than just your head, an inner stillness, in the moment here and now. I am assured there is a lot more ease when one is fully present, so bring it on!
“Presence is when you’re no longer waiting for the next moment, believing that the next moment will be more fulfilling than this one.” Eckhart Tolle
Presence can be accessed through activities such as dance, music, movement, being in nature, as well as through spiritual practices such as meditation and prayer. I will have to be far more disciplined around my meditative and body practice. I can feel my resistance already. I am saying it now here so it is out there! Committed!
What has all this got to do with Christmas? I am not sure what I am going to do during this Christmas period yet. This time last week, I felt like pulling the curtains and hiding under the duvet until the festivities are over. But “this too shall pass” is true, and it does.
I’m putting my rose-coloured specs on now and standing in the intention of quality time with family and gratitude for the blessings in my life. Camping at Whananaki with my sister’s family and my two gorgeous nephews. Time with Dad whose memory is fading, and time with Mum on Christmas Eve. Time with my half-brother and his fiancée who are over from Perth and expecting their first baby in February. Christmas Day is at my step-aunt’s in Kerikeri, where we will have over 100 family for a hangi. And I’ll need to take some time for myself that day too, as I’ve observed all the other introverts in the family do. Other than that, I am going to read and relax and swim, and as I am a funeral celebrant, I might also have to work.
My invitation to you this holiday season is to be fully present in whatever you choose to do. If you are with someone, be fully present with them. If you are with yourself, be fully present with yourself. If you are with your social media, be fully present with that, then turn off your device!
Wishing you all the best for a very “present” 2019. Here are a couple of presents for you in the meantime.
“Too much love never spoils children. Children become spoiled when we substitute presents for presence.” Dr. Anthony P. Witham
“Accept – then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. This will miraculously transform your whole life.” Eckhart Tolle
