Wow! It’s amazing what can happen when you combine the end of a relationship with a six-month Holding Space course (https://heatherplett.com/) and two Celebrant papers, Transitions Through Change & Crisis, and Marriage/Civil Unions (https://www.celebrant.school.nz/). 

Today is a dressing gown day. I have spent the morning in bed releasing tears and reflecting. It’s now noon, I’ve just had a shower, washed my hair, poured another coffee and feel inspired to put pen to paper. That’s got to be a good thing when “Blog” has been on my to do list for over a week now!

Let’s start with the ingredients…

• Love and pain – the unresolved end of a special relationship
• Holding Space – the presence, capacity and skills to be with someone where they’re at right now (not where you might want them to be)
• Transitions Ceremony – a ceremony that supports someone to move from a place/state/situation to another one eg: divorce, redundancy, house sale, club merger
• Marriage/Civil Unions Ceremony – a ceremony celebrating the love and commitment of two people, but can leave others feeling a little blue.

The story so far… earlier this year I experienced the end of a beautiful relationship. The one I had been waiting for and could now die happy finally knowing what it felt like. Alas it wasn’t to last because our baggage weighed us down and we ran out of puff. However, the candle (think ceremony, the flame representing our connection) was never fully extinguished as I had offered to hold the door open for him while he explored some of his confusion around what he was feeling.

Five months later I was truly stuck. Although I had processed a lot of grief and had tried to move on, I was still holding space for him without considering my own boundaries and needs. Or probably more to the point, without expressing them.

Come September and the Transitions Through Change & Crisis module at the Celebrant School. Two weekends exploring endings, neutral zones and beginnings and an assignment to write a Transition Ceremony for ourselves. The most important component of a Transition Ceremony is an intention. Mine was “To Move from Attachment to Intention.” I wanted to let go of my attachment to my ex and attract mutual love and intimacy into my life. So, a beach, two stick figures at the tide line and a line in the sand further up the beach, some words of gratitude, love and intention, step across the line and bam! Bob’s your Uncle! Yay… I’m free!! But of course, when you step into intention, you get intentional! Enter two more weeks of turmoil and sleeplessness.

It becomes clear that I need to contact my ex and talk about this candle! Can we please agree what to do with it? This happens to fall on the weekend of my Marriage/Civil Unions course and after listening to nine marriage ceremonies, it all gets too much and the grief associated with the loss all comes pouring out. I was lovingly supported by Mel, our tutor and ten other wonderful celebrants who understand the emotion associated with ceremony and can hold space when the release comes.

Last night after speaking with my ex for an hour and a half, he agreed that I could pass the candle back to him to look after. However, I realised this is one of his patterns. He is holding a few candles and doesn’t know what to do with them! One of my patterns is that I often accept being second best. So this time, accompanied by words of love and gratitude, I have chosen to put the “second best” candle out.

We all want to be loved unconditionally, but very few of us have the courage or capacity to do it. If it’s not reciprocated we risk raking up childhood or past life trauma which can be extremely painful. As Ekhart Tolle says “Watch and see how people are attached to the familiar but unhappy self.” So it’s a difficult choice. To protect ourselves or to love and heal? After 50 years of protecting myself, I am painstakingly developing the muscle to choose love, and the past six months has sent more gifts of pain and healing my way. Hopefully now I can start to move on.

Weaving the components of ceremony and connection can be so powerful when someone is standing strongly in intention.  To get clear about intention, stand still and really listen. Spend time alone in silence. Go on a retreat, do a bush trek, go sailing, sit on the beach and stare at the sea. Clear out stuff that you definitely don’t want. What is your heart’s desire? How do you want to feel? Get clear, ask for it, and invite it in. I’ll keep you posted on mine!