Endings, Transitions and New Beginnings…

Welcome to Freedom through Connection! This has been my mantra for 15 years and now, after doggedly resisting social media since its inception, I’m finally coming out! It’s now as clear as a bell that everything I have a passion for has connection as its common thread. Take a look: 

• working in the technology consulting industry for most of my life where everything is project/team based. Most of my time was spent in HR roles, connecting with people; 
• designing and facilitating weddings, funerals and other ceremonies marking life events; 
• training facilitators to work with co-operative groups; 
• facilitating a meetup group where we discuss “deep and meaningful” topics; 
• researching and writing our family history and organising family reunions; 
• writing life stories for hospice patients.

I love connecting people! With themselves and with others. I love learning! Mostly about life and our travels through it.

So why now?

Autumn Endings…

It has been a challenging six months.

In April, I experienced the end of a wonderful and unique relationship with a beautiful man. Ever since I was a child, I have found endings difficult, and for the next three months I shed a bucket of tears. I even channelled my Maori ancestry and wailed a bit. Sleep eluded me and I went to the doctor for assistance and he prescribed anti-depressants, which I declined. I thought grieving was one of my most honed skillsets, so I tried everything to move through it quickly, but I knew deep down that it couldn’t be rushed or swept under the carpet, and I knew that this time it would be a great teacher…

In July, I made the difficult decision to leave what had been a dream job, after 10 years. I loved the people I worked with (some of them had been friends for 20-30 years) and I had as much flexibility as I wanted, but the work no longer fed my soul. On my last day, tears streamed down my face for most of the day, and my predominantly male and multi-cultural workmates took it in their stride and accepted me in my wholeness. The six months leading up to the decision to leave had left me exhausted, and the next day I started sleeping again.

The fact that these two events happened in parallel indicated that maybe I’m a slow learner and the universe wanted me to get it this time! I knew I just needed to wait and listen…

“Life’s greatest storms test the strengths of its anchors.”

Winter Transition..

Life is moving at such a pace, that when something ends, our natural inclination is to ‘get over it’ and look for the new beginning as soon as we can. A new job, a new partner, a new toy, a new vice. As tempting as it was, I knew I was now in transition, and embraced the opportunity for the silver lining, for growth and learning, the neutral zone, the chrysalis, cocooned between the caterpillar and the butterfly, the trapeze artist flying through the air in liminal space between one trapeze and another, the cold days of winter between autumn and spring. The months even mapped perfectly!

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression,
it must come completely undone.
The shell cracks, its insides come out
and everything changes.
To someone who doesn’t understand growth,
it would look like complete destruction

~ Cynthia Occelli

I read hungrily, sometimes staying in the warmth of my bed until lunch time. I walked and listened to podcasts, TED talks and youtube clips. Deepak Chopra’s Spiritual Law of Detachment really spoke to me and offered me hope. I tried to stay connected to my intention and desire for love and connection without clinging to the person/job I had lost. Otherwise my mind would stay closed and attached to only that which I already knew. Perhaps there was something better or different. How would I know if I wasn’t curious and open to the possibility of the unknown? I love the saying “No one knows anything for sure. State your intention and invite it in.”

I journalled… I wrote and wrote and wrote… I read more. I made notes…

I took care of my health; my physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual bodies.
Physically I ate well, knowing that comfort food would take me down a stodgy road to depression. I walked a bit and went to yin yoga, where I shed more tears as my body grieved for the loss of relationship.
Emotionally I accepted all the love and support offered from friends, family and colleagues. Some relationships deepened as they connected more easily with my vulnerability in a way they hadn’t connected with my joy and efficiency in the past. With other relationships, I learnt more about where people’s boundaries were, and where I needed to grieve more privately and gracefully.
Intellectually, I entered a self-indulgent, decadent period of ravenous learning, a gift I had always wanted to give myself. Weekend workshops and online courses, books, poetry and peer support groups in the Holding Space, Celebrant, Facilitation, Enneagram and Non-violent (Compassionate) Communication communities.
And spiritually I connected with the local temple and meditated as much as I had the discipline for. I connected with nature’s cycles and forgot about clock time, watching each month go by as the moon changed from new to full to new again.

I noticed that when I was grieving it was difficult for me to connect with purpose. As much as I wanted to get on with things, I knew they would be half-baked. For the first time in my life I gave myself a break and threw away my task list. I am grateful I had the resources and space to be able to do that. I know that not everyone is so fortunate. Others have families to care for, and have to find other ways to move through their transitions and change. Or they try to move too quickly and pay a price later on, because the scars are not fully healed.

Taking this time allowed me to start healing and to really connect with my purpose, my “Why?”

Spring Beginnings…

So Freedom through Connection… what does that mean?

I used to be extremely independent. I didn’t like asking for help or support, although I didn’t mind giving it. I didn’t want to be seen as “selfish” or be a burden. I found it difficult (and still do) to ask for what I need. My lovely, non-judgmental father told me once that I needed to “learn how to receive.” I thought that if I could be self-contained, life would be easier, with less conflict. I could just go home at the end of the day and shut out the world. I always had close family connections and lots of friends, but I didn’t really know how to connect at a deeper level. The past 15 years of learning has enabled me to do this, firstly via some fantastic frameworks and secondly, via experiential practice with a community of peers who are passionate about this work. I am forever grateful to Dale Hunter and my colleagues at Zenergy Global for being my main catalysts for change. Even though Zenergy has facilitation, wholeperson and co-operation at its core, to me they all add up to connection. Along with a plethora of other learning, Dale’s guidance has contributed hugely to who I am today; someone who is finally comfortable with my imperfection.

One of the many books I read over the winter was Charles Eisenstein’s “The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know is Possible”. In it he says “The things we need most are the things we have become most afraid of such as adventure, intimacy and authentic communication. We avert our eyes and stick to comfortable topics. We are uncomfortable with intimacy and connection, which are amongst the greatest of our unmet needs today. To be truly seen and heard, to be truly known, is a deep human need. We need more intimacy than nearly anyone considers normal. Always hungry for it, we seek solace and sustenance in the closest available substitutes: television, shopping, pornography, conspicuous consumption – anything to ease the hurt.”

An article in Psychology Today entitled “The Opposite of Addiction is Connection” says “So it does appear that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it’s connection. That said, developing healthy interpersonal connections as part of recovery and healing is not easy. It takes, time, effort and a willing support network.”

I also re-read The Invitation, and The Dance, both written by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. Her writing is exquisite! Her beautiful Invitation fills me up. Here is a sample:

“I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own;
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes,
without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.”

For real, deep connection to occur, we need to be willing to have an open heart, take risks, be vulnerable and sometimes get hurt. This is the only way we will find the type of relationships we are seeking. I know my heart is now more open to great joy and peace because I can also be with deep grief and sadness. This work is not about perfection or success and knowing the answers. It’s about acceptance and love and working it out together. I’m up for it! Are you?