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Exploring Joy, Curiosity and the Unknown

I have found myself thinking a lot about joy recently. I love laughing, and last year was a bit devoid of it. I would like a lot more joy in my life this year!

So what is joy? Is it the same as happiness, the elusive end game we have all been encouraged to aspire to? I did a bit of research and this is what I found.

Joy and Happiness

Joy is a state of delight and pleasure. It’s momentary, right here, right now. It’s about feeling full, open, connected, alive. It’s often linked to our senses. Joy connects us, to ourselves, to others, sometimes to something bigger than all of us. Ask around and you’ll find that most of humanity finds joy in the same things. If it could be sized, it might be an inch wide and a mile deep.

Happiness, on the other hand, could be seen as something that is aspired to, something that happens over a period of time; an inch deep and a mile wide. Something less personal, more external, based on our thoughts (rather than feelings) of what happiness should be. To some extent happiness has been ambushed by capitalistic marketers; “You will be happy when you have a, b, c and d.” Put these in your funnel and happiness will pop out the other end!

My preference is to embrace joy, rather than chase happiness.

What fills you with Joy?

I was thinking about times I’ve experienced joy recently:

  • Seeing my nephews unpack their Santa stockings in the tent on Christmas morning (a no-brainer, the delight on their faces was enough)
  • Driving (slowly) behind a butter yellow coloured vintage Rolls Royce when heading north at Christmas (I love yellow and I love beautiful shapes)
  • Relaxing on my leafy deck to the sound of birdsong, after a day sorting out my office (I liked the feeling of physical tiredness and the sense of clarity and spaciousness it gave me for 2019)
  • Swimming in the sea (I love the lightness of bobbing around in the water, and the sun on my skin when I get out)
  • One of my oldest friends from the UK surprising me by turning up unannounced one weekend.

If joy is feeling full, open, connected, alive, I could also say I encountered joy when a man I loved cried openly with me as he shared the pain he was experiencing. I also feel joy every time I do a wedding, a funeral or run a workshop where people are connecting through the sharing of emotion, either happy or sad, or even after working through a conflict and reconnecting. Moments of honesty and authenticity bring me joy.

My sister and her husband experienced joy when the fly on their tent flew everywhere as they tried to control it in the rain last week. They said they were in fits of laughter at how hilarious it must have seemed to onlookers. I imagine the joy was in their connection with each other too.

One of my friends (and many others) experiences joy when she surfs. I asked her whether it is joy or happiness and she immediately said “Joy! It is almost spiritual.”

The body heals with play,
The mind heals with laughter,
The spirit heals with joy.
– Proverb

I notice that the joy itself in these examples costs very little, and does not require any form of artificial stimulation. It occurs when we are grounded in the moment. What did you come up with, and how often do you notice what brings you joy?

“Joy is not in things, it is in us” – Richard Wagner

Being in the Moment

In my last blog, I shared that I am focusing on mastering presence this year, being in the now rather than wasting too much energy on the past or the future. If we embrace the Maori proverb “Ka Mura, Ka Muri” we still need to explore our past to forge our future though. There’s no doubt that it’s important to understand and accept our past (both recent and that of our ancestors) and set our intention for our future (both personal and collective). That becomes our safe container, the waka we are navigating, but once we climb in and start paddling, we can only experience one moment, one wave, at a time.

And that’s where curiosity, exploring and embracing the unknown come in. If joy is about being in the moment, then it’s not something we can plan. It hits us without warning.

“Those who do not know the torment of the unknown cannot have the joy of discovery”
– Claude Bernard

Attachment and Security

If we are too attached to the way things should be, the path that we are going to take, or our expectations are set in stone, we shut down possibilities that we didn’t even know existed. And when special times end, wouldn’t it be great to be able to detach with a sense of love and gratitude and move smoothly into the realm of the unknown, curiosity and “what’s next?” However, I am human, and so far I have only been able to travel down the path of grief, struggling to let go of what was. But who is to say that something equally as joyful, if not better is not around the corner if we are open to it? Oh, to master what William Blake speaks of below!

“He who binds to himself a joy, does the winged life destroy.
But he who kisses the joy as it flies, lives in eternity’s sunrise”
– William Blake

This also raises for me the relationship between the need for control and security, and the ability to experience joy. Research tells us that when you focus on security, you are more likely to demonstrate passive and aggressive behaviours such as conventionality, avoidance, perfectionism and excessive control and competitiveness. When you focus on personal and group satisfaction, you are more likely to demonstrate affiliative and caring behaviours, be yourself, connect more easily and achieve more effective results. Letting go of excessive attachment to security though, means venturing into the unknown.

Staying Curious in the Unknown

The essence of Zen practice tells us that “not knowing is most intimate.” It offers us a way of being in the world that is open and free of prejudice so that we might approach life with curiosity, creativity and courage. It can also be a scary and uncomfortable place, but if we learn how to be with it, it can help us overcome fear, anxiety and the emotional and mental challenges of daily life, opening the door to more joy… which is where we started this contemplation.

“The only true wisdom is knowing that you know nothing” – Socrates

So what does this mean in the context of Freedom Through Connection? I think it means that if we can stay curious in the realm of the unknown, we can be fully connected to the essence of who we are, our beautiful, unique selves. And when we are being who we really are, we are more able to connect authentically with others, paving the way for co-operation, peace and harmony.

Wishes for 2019

In Bronnie Ware’s book “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying” she cites the most common regrets expressed by the people she had cared for as being:

  • I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
  • I wish I had the courage to express my feelings
  • I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
  • I wish I had let myself be happier
  • I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

Which of these speaks to you? I’m doing pretty well on four of them, but I’d like to allow myself to be happier in 2019. I intend to start by watching the sunrise on New Years Day at a remote east coast beach with one of my best friends.

Here’s to a joyful, connected and satisfying 2019 for all of us! If you have lost sight of it, may you regain connection with that which feeds your soul.

Notes:

I am new to blog-writing, so if you have any feedback, please share it in the comments box below.

If you would like to read more about joy in relation to different aspects of life, you might be interested in the following:

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