When Dad died last year, one of his legacies was how well he prioritised activities that he enjoyed. He played his sport, pottered in his garden, went fishing, played with his kids and grandchildren, and enjoyed relaxing in his reclining chair with a cup of tea and a sweet treat. A simple, uncomplicated, unmaterialistic life. Many tributes described him as a gentle man.

I was grateful that he loved me warts and all, so on the two or three occasions he gave me advice, I listened. I distinctly remember one of those times, when I was in my 20’s. “You need to learn how to receive.”

You can not give to people what they are incapable of receiving
~ Agatha Christie

Last weekend I attended a retreat at a Franciscan friary, with the intention of releasing some last vestiges of relationship grief. Even though Grief Recovery is now a big part of my work, unresolved pain from our past is cumulative, so it makes sense that we release it gradually too.

Commitment to our own healing is essential for our emotional, or heart health, in the same way that exercise and nutrition are necessary for our physical health, curiosity feeds our intellectual health, and our love of nature, “God” or something bigger than ourselves nourishes our spiritual health. As an aside, I don’t connect with the term “mental health”. We have broken hearts, not broken minds.

Whilst everyone’s story is unique and individual to them, I was saddened to hear so many stories of people walking away from relationships leaving grief-stricken partners to do the bulk of the child-rearing alone, and the inability to initiate the conversation and exploration that could have changed everything. Many relationship breakdowns also occurred after another recent loss eg: the loss of a parent.

What is certain, is that if we don’t heal from previous losses, we will take our baggage into the next relationship (and probably other connections too), increasing the likelihood of repeating the same patterns. In fact, stats show that where 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 60% of second marriages do too (US data).

If we are feeling stuck, depressed or anxious, it’s a call to attend to our emotional health. Here are some questions to reflect upon.

• Who am I, what masks do I wear, what gifts do I have?
• What is my definition of Trust, what is my relationship with it, trust of myself and of others?
• What is my relationship with Guilt and Shame, am I holding on to guilt and shame for events that were outside of my control?
• What is my relationship with, and trust in Spirit/God/Nature, something bigger than me?
• What is my relationship with Acceptance? How do I want to go on living?
• What is my relationship with Giving? How am I prepared to be of service to others?

I won’t give away what the final exercise was, but I opted out of it, as it is an ongoing practice in my own Grief Recovery work. So, I wandered off for a walk in the beautiful grounds of the friary. It was interesting returning to a Catholic environment, as I had been the recipient of a Catholic education, and it brought up mixed emotions. However, this energy felt beautiful and safe.

I was surprised to come across a labyrinth under a huge tree, a spiral pathway used for contemplation, a place to walk in meditation and quieten the mind, a place where, at the centre, I am often presented with a message. This time it clearly spoke… “Let others do the work now, it is time to rest”. I sobbed and the release finally came. Maybe now it is time to receive. I love it when the answer is not what I am expecting.

I asked, ‘”Why have I received only This?”
A voice replied, “Only This will lead you to That.’”
~ Rumi