Whenever I used to visit my grandmother, she always farewelled me with a kiss and a “Be happy, darling”. I remember always thinking “Yes, but I’m not sure I know how.” That was my first introduction to feelings, and I am still exploring them.
Events –> Feelings
As we settle into another lockdown, I’m noticing that feelings seem to be more magnified. In myself, in family and friends, and in the community.
Feelings –> Needs/Values
Listening to people’s views and concerns provides insight to what is important to them. Some people are OK; it may be that their needs for family connection and safety are being met. Others are less satisfied; perhaps because their needs for security (income) and contribution (doing their job) are unmet. These are just a couple of examples.
I am experiencing both enjoyment (in the form of spaciousness, ease and creativity) and frustration (as my needs for honesty, competence and freedom are left unfulfilled.) I suffer from information FOMO and my self-righteous shadow screams that I could do everything better if I was in charge!.
Needs/Values –> Action
Many of us suppress our feelings as we ride the unconscious treadmill of life, trapesing from one coping mechanism to another. When we are forced to stop, or experience change or loss, it is an opportunity to take another look at the map, and decide whether we’re heading in the right direction. Which of our needs are met and unmet?
Action –> Flow
Our feelings are a wonderful guide to our deepest longings, our life force, the river that flows through our spirit and our life, if we are willing to listen to them. When we listen, when our needs are met, we are “in flow” or “in the zone”.
So, how?
It is a real skill to connect with our feelings and identify our needs. Until recently, I only knew two feelings; good or crap. A lot of people can’t differentiate a feeling from a thought.
eg: “I’m feeling bullied” is a thought, which may be more helpfully expressed as “I’m feeling angry/scared/pressured because I really need some choice/autonomy/safety/consideration”.
Expressed in this way, we own our own reaction and present a possible solution, rather than blaming someone else and fostering division.
Even if we can identify our needs, many of us are not capable of honouring them, because we have not yet learnt how to develop boundaries.
“Compassionate people ask for what they need.
They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it.
They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
~ Brené Brown
A couple of days ago, I invited anyone who is struggling with the lockdown to contact me for a 15 minute “empathy shot”, a 15-30 minute process that is confidential, safe, without judgement or analysis. It supports people to connect with their needs and start to think of a way forward. Yesterday, a friend from Australia contacted me. They loved the process; “… was very helpful. It helped me to put words to things I just didn’t know how to articulate, because I was so anxious about lifting the lid on it.“
Self-Empathy
For those who find it difficult to reach out, this is for you. You will need a journal and pen, and the list of needs below. Sit somewhere quiet where you won’t be disturbed and take a deep breath.
- DUMP: Write in your journal for at least 10 minutes, or record yourself (on your smartphone or a recording device) dumping for 3 minutes. Say everything you want to say about how you’re feeling, what is on your mind. Don’t worry about it being perfect, you are the only person who will see it. It is a way of clearing your mind and getting your feelings out. Let them out, cry, vent, yell.
- HEAR IT OUT LOUD: Speak it out loud to yourself, or to the universe, a plant or pet that you think is listening, or play it back to yourself. Sit in silence and connect with your story from your heart.
- IDENTIFY: Take a look at the Needs list below and write down which of these are not being met in your life right now.
- ASK: What request(s) can I make to:
a) myself,
b) another or
c) the universe, God, spirit to get these needs met? - ACTION: Even if you are not responsible for the situation you are in, you must take at least 1% responsibility for taking a step forward. So.. just one step…
God, give me the
SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,
COURAGE to change the things I can, and the
WISDOM to know the difference.
I have just looked up the source. It was written by theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr in 1932. Interestingly, his version was much more empowering.
Father, give us
COURAGE to change what must be altered,
SERENITY to accept what cannot be helped, and the
INSIGHT to know the one from the other.
~ Reinhold Niebuhr
Flow –> Connection
Navigating our feelings can support:
- Owning our own reactions to events
- Taking responsibility for meeting our own needs
- Connecting with others
- Finding solutions
- World peace.. I’m an idealist 🙂
The above process is based on NVC (Non-violent/Compassionate Communication), a method designed to help us express ourselves with clarity, compassion, self-responsibility, empathy and the common good in mind. If you are in NZ and would like to learn more about this practice, I recommend Wayne and Deb at Meditating Giraffe.
If this process only provides temporary relief for you, it may be that you are experiencing unresolved grief. The Grief Recovery Method may help.
As an aside, you can also do this exercise when you’re feeling “good”. It is balm for the soul to be grateful when the sun is shining.
Wishing you peace, connection and aroha
