Three years ago I experienced the most primal grief of my life. Three years later it had turned into the gift that kept on giving. However, despite all the silver linings, there was still something deep inside of me that felt like I’d been punched in the stomach, and I couldn’t shake it. It seemed that the only thing left was to explore grief itself.

What is Grief?

Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind. There are many types of loss:

• Death of a person close to you
• Divorce, separation, end of an intimate relationship/connection
• Death of a pet
• Redundancy, job change
• Moving house
• Transitioning to another stage in life: starting school, starting work, marriage, having children, empty nest, retirement
• Childhood neglect
• Health issues, addictions, and the end of them too
• Financial/legal problems
• Loss of safety and trust
• Loss of control of one’s body (physical or sexual abuse)
• Loss of self
• Collective loss eg: loss in the community
• Any other ending.

Grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain. All efforts to heal the heart with the head fail. The 12 inches between our head and our heart is the toughest 12 inches we’ll ever move.

The mind remembers the words,
but the heart remembers how it feels.
The mind can forget,
but the heart never will.
~ JmStorm

Society tells us that the feelings associated with grief are abnormal and unnatural. While grief is the most powerful of all emotions, it is also the most neglected and misunderstood experience, by both the grievers and those around them. In many ways it is a taboo topic and too much for too long is often perceived as a weakness. But grievers do not lack courage or willingness. What they usually lack are the tools to discover and complete what has been left emotionally unfinished as a result of the loss.

Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind

We are surrounded by Loss and Grief

Last year there were 32,613 deaths in New Zealand.

The divorce rate is around 45% and this doesn’t include relationships that were not formalised by marriage. Many relationships end every year, impacting not only the couple, but children, parents, wider family, friends and even pets.

Approximately 41% of households in NZ have pets, with a life expectancy of 13-15 years. The loss of a pet is sometimes as acute as the loss of a human.

Add in the many other experiences of loss such as redundancy, medical problems, life stages, house moves, loss of faith, confidence, security, friendship. That’s a lot of grief.

Look around you… loss is everywhere

The Impacts of Grief

Many of us know about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five emotional stages that a person who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness typically experience when they know they are going to die; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages do NOT necessarily translate to loss.

What we DO know is that common responses are:

• Reduced concentration
• A sense of numbness and disconnection
• Disrupted sleep patterns
• Impacted appetite
• Roller coaster of emotions.

The Elisabeth Kubler-Ross research only applies to terminal illness

Getting Over Grief.. or not

We are brought up to acquire things; our parents’ approval, toys, high grades, good jobs, a home, being a successful and functioning part of society. So, when we lose something, we have precious little information about how to cope with that.

There are a few themes that feature:

• Don’t feel bad – “Look on the bright side”
• Replace the loss – “There are more fish in the sea”
• Grieve alone – “She just needs space”
• Just give it time – “It gets easier with time”
• Be strong for others – “You’re the oldest, so…”
• Keep busy – “The devil finds work for idle hands”.

These do not support us with the actions of discovering and completing the unfinished emotions from the loss. And when we don’t complete the unfinished emotions from the loss, they cumulatively lead to other behaviours that we develop to compensate for the pain; coping mechanisms that lead to more isolation and disconnection.

We may indulge in addictive or short-term energy relieving behaviours such as alcohol, drugs (illicit or prescribed), sex, porn, work, shopping, fantasy (TV/films), exercise, or food. In my case it was often overdosing on study, therapy or talking it out, so I could “fix myself”. I also often gave work more importance than it deserved. 

However, these just give the illusion of relief, like chopping off the top of weeds. After a while, these unreleased, unexpressed feelings build up and an explosion is inevitable. Like a tea kettle with a high flame under it, but with no spout to release the steam or whistle a warning.

We may develop depression (focusing on the could’ve, would’ve, should’ve aspects of the past rather than looking back with fondness) and/or anxiety (worrying about the future, instead of planning for it). Unhappiness comes from a constant need to be in any moment other than the present.

When we don’t complete the unfinished emotions from the loss, they cumulatively lead to other unhealthy behaviours that we develop to compensate for the pain.

Others are Ill-Prepared to Help Us

If we injure ourselves physically, we know what to do. We call the doctor or call 911. But if something happens that breaks our heart (and it CAN feel like a physical breaking of the heart!), what do we do?

Because doctors don’t deal with broken hearts, we either have to pay for counselling support, or join a long waiting list for free support. Usually our friends and family are left to pick up the pieces. Most of us are ill-equipped to do this well. This became clear to me when I was deep in my grief. Although my family and friends were wonderful and did everything they could, very few were able to hold space in a way that I felt was helpful.

Here are some common responses:

• “I know how you feel.” NO! You really don’t. All relationships and losses are unique. No exceptions.
• They’re afraid of our feelings. An example of this is when someone starts crying. Often the first response is to distract ourselves or move into “rescue” mode by finding tissues or touching them. While the intentions may be helpful, it can send a message of “Clean yourself up.”
• They subtly change the subject. eg: “I miss him so much.” Response: “At least he’s not in pain anymore.” This is an example of shifting away from the griever’s feelings to the subject of the other person.
• They intellectualise: Grief is an emotional response to loss, but most of us are more comfortable using our intellect when we are with someone who is grieving. eg: comments like “He’s in a better place.” “She had a good life.” “You’ll find somebody else.” “Be grateful you had him for so long.”
• They try to make things better: “Here, have a nice cup of tea, that’ll make you feel better.”

Most people are ill-equipped to hold space for our grief in a way that is helpful

What is Grief Recovery?

If we have a broken leg, we are recovered when we are able to walk and run again. If we have a broken heart, recovery is about finding new meaning for living without the fear of being hurt again. Recovery is being able to enjoy fond memories, without having them always bring up painful feelings of pain, regret or remorse.

Most importantly, it means acquiring the skills that we should have been taught in childhood. Skills that allow us to deal with loss directly. Taking the actions that require our attention, open-mindedness, commitment and courage. This is about completing the emotional ties, not just the physical or economic ones. Grief recovery is about discovering and completing what is unfinished for us. We can only complete this process by moving out of our head into our heart and being totally honest with ourselves.

If we have a broken heart, recovery is about finding new meaning for living without the fear of being hurt again. Recovery is being able to enjoy fond memories, without having them always bring up painful feelings of pain, regret or remorse.

There is no getting away from it. Grief is PAINFUL! To recover from it, we need to feel it, so we can release it.

I have experienced five big losses over the past five years, spanning death of loved ones, end of relationships, and career loss. Where my grief was deepest was where there were unresolved emotional communications. Of most surprise to me has been the lack of grief over my father’s death; one of the people I loved most in the world. I always thought it would be the worst thing that could happen to me. But we had said everything we needed to say, and on our last conscious interaction he had reached out and touched my cheek with love. It was complete. I am grateful that I have since done some emotional completion with my mother which has deepened our connection.

Attempting to “get over it” quickly does not help a broken heart. It just puts a sticking plaster over a wound that never fully heals and becomes more infected the next time it is poked. Holding on to incomplete emotions consumes enormous amounts of energy, robbing us of our aliveness and separating us from ourselves and others. Grief recovery is the key to connection, peace and love.

As we learn the art of grief recovery, we learn the art of grief prevention. As we learn to open our hearts and connect with our own pain, we learn to let go and (re)open our hearts to others.
It is the key to connection, peace and love.

Acknowledgement: The above information is taken from The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Method is an action program for moving beyond death, divorce and other losses, including health, career and faith. If you would like to know more about the Grief Recovery Method, take a look at the book or contact me re group or one on one sessions. I am a certified Grief Recovery Method specialist with The Grief Recovery Institute.

Image by Marek Studzinski from Unsplash. I loved the mix of colours. This is what heart healing has felt like to me.