“I have to be perfect to be loved.”

Were you the kid who got 99% in a test and worried about the one you got wrong?
Are you sensitive to criticism if it’s not worded in a constructive way?
Do you feel shame and embarrassment if you “get it wrong”?
And when something goes wrong around you, do you automatically assume it’s because of something you’ve done?
Do you find it difficult to receive?
Do you over commit and have trouble relaxing?
Do you sometimes feel de-pressed because you have lost touch with the real you in an effort to do an excellent job?
Are you unable to trust yourself to deal with a situation that you don’t have control of?
Do you find it difficult to say “no” to requests or confront issues in a non-judgy way when they arise?
Are you hard on others, but a hundred times harder on yourself?
And finally, are you scared that if you’re not perfect, you won’t be loved?

Yep, deep down, me too.
But I’m making progress.

The relationship we had with our family, education system, or even previous generations we didn’t even know, will develop belief systems that become our reality and our comfort zone. My little gem is “I need to be perfect to be loved.” Its friends are “Life is hard,” “Everything is my fault” and “I am responsible for everything.” These belief systems are usually developed to keep us safe. Our lifebuoys. Mine have helped me become an honest, responsible, dependable person who does good work. However, at some point, if we want to live a more real and connected life, and a far less stressful one, we may need to heed the warning that some of our beliefs are actually doing us harm. And sometimes this gift comes in the guise of our world falling apart.

Realising I had some work to do, I set out on a personal development journey early in life. I was a slow, but steady learner, and at age 52 I fell in love for the first time. It was perfect… for both of us, but after nine months we were exhausted. We both had the same belief system, and perfectionism, anxiety and self-sacrifice go hand in hand. We gave so much, and lost ourselves in the process. The sensitivity we both brought contributed to the beauty and depth of the connection, but it was unsustainable. Both of us even admitted we didn’t feel worthy of what we had. Eventually his vulnerability got the better of him and he sabotaged the relationship (his words, not mine). I was devastated. The experience had been like tasting chocolate for the first time after only ever eating cabbage; it was so precious, I didn’t want to break it.. However, as Jeff Brown, the author of An Uncommon Bond writes “A loveship does not always a relationship make.”

In retrospect, my devastation was really about my belief system being blown out of the water. My anchor, the very thing that had kept me safe all my life, wasn’t true, and I was cast adrift. I was the best person I will ever be in that relationship and it still wasn’t enough. Four months after we split, he called me. He specifically wanted me to know that “there wasn’t one thing you could have done differently,” that I was “so easy to be in a relationship with.” At the time it just brought more pain and confusion. Where to from here? How could I ever trust my choices in the future? If perfect isn’t good enough, then what the hell is?! Only now, am I able to unwrap the gift.

Perfectionism and judgement is all about:
– the head and the external;
– how we appear to others;
– survival and security.

It’s a bit like being in a cage and is a very difficult place to connect from, as we are ALL human and imperfect. In the West, we are brought up with right and wrong, black and white, and it is a huge contributor to disconnection, depression and addiction. There IS no right or wrong. There IS no one answer but we all seem to be searching for it.

Imperfection, wholeness and acceptance, on the other hand, is about:
– the heart and the internal;
– being ourselves, warts and all;
– satisfaction and growth;
– and love, starting with ourselves.

“The only antidote to perfectionism is to turn away from every whiff of plastic and gloss and follow our grief, pursue our imperfections, and exaggerate our eccentricities until the things we once sought to hide reveal themselves as our majesty.”
~ Toko-pa Turner, from Belonging, Remembering our Way Home

The definition of an authentic person is, “representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to another person.” My friend Beth Sanders adds “A person must be present and attentive to their needs, and to others’ needs, to be authentic.” Connecting with our feelings and needs is a skill in itself. Ask someone how they feel and often, they will express a thought. Feelings come from our bodies, not our minds. Five years ago, I only knew two feelings – good or crap. And we are not brought up to connect with our own needs. So that’s a difficult place to navigate from. NVC (non-violent/compassionate communication), connecting more with, and trusting my body and intuition has helped a lot.

I’m still learning, but I am now more at ease in the unknown. I try things where failure is a distinct possibility, but success may be delicious. I let go of taking all the responsibility; the responsibility is shared. WE have the answer, not just I. I stand in my purpose and values. Is it about forwarding connection? Am I being honest, fair, caring and co-operative? Is it mutual? Is it fun? Then I’ll do it. Am I afraid to say no because of the possibility of rejection? Am I pushing myself too hard because of the fear of failure? Am I settling for something that doesn’t feel right in my gut? Then, no thanks.

It’s scary sometimes. It requires courage and vulnerability. Ironically life feels lighter and more carefree. And there is definitely more quality connection, which is what it’s all about!

A Blessing for Perfectionists

Thank you fear and shame,
judgement and blame.
Thank you for your gifts.
We wish you farewell.

Curiosity and courage,
are our friends now.
Our fuel to grow, to fly,
to soar through the sky.

Only love remains.
Perfect.