Those who know how vocal I am might find it difficult to believe that I have probably never spoken from a totally grounded place when I have been in conflict. Until now.

My intention this year was “To follow my wild heart”. I imagined that it might look something like taking off to remote parts in a groovy purple VW camper van.  But no. It turned out to be about finding my voice, and THAT came from finally trusting my wild heart.

During our life, we experience events that cause us to develop a range of coping mechanisms to keep us safe and enable us to “fit in”. This becomes our comfort zone. If we are lucky, this comfort zone is one where quality connections are the norm. If there is healing required, we will have some work to do.

My relationship with Anger

The picture attached to this blog is one that I drew when I was in my early teens. My lifelong love of colour was already apparent, but the tension between the light and the dark is clear, the relationship with spirituality in the form of the cross and references to nature, the tear running down my cheek, the fearful wide eyes and not one, but three broken hearts. I also seem to have splintered into many pieces and I have no body.

I clearly remember my first experience with anger. I was three and had been sent for my afternoon nap, which I was resisting. I remember biting on my sheets as I screamed my displeasure in silence. I also used to grind my teeth in my sleep as a child, which may have been another response to unreleased anger. I have been told that I clench my jaw when I am angry and am holding it in. For most of my life, I have been speaking out but not speaking my own truth. (NB: It is easier for me to connect with sadness; culturally it is more acceptable for women to show sadness and men to show anger, although thankfully this is changing).

Some theory

Here’s a reminder of some theory. I want to stress that I am not a qualified counsellor, psychologist or any other formally recognised profession in this area, but my work is in the area of Connection and this stuff is pretty fundamental.

Attachment styles
There are four styles of attachment that people form early in life and tend to keep into adulthood.
Secure: Comfortable with intimacy; not worried about rejection. Comfortable depending on others and having others depend on them (~50% of people)
Avoidant: Uncomfortable with closeness, primarily values independence and freedom (~25% of people)
Anxious: Crave closeness and intimacy, very insecure about relationships (~20% of people)
Anxious and Avoidant: High on avoidance, high on anxiety. Uncomfortable with intimacy, and worried about others’ commitment and love (~5% of people)

Stress responses
The fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses are known as stress responses or trauma responses. These are ways the body automatically reacts to perceived danger, based on personal experience.
Fight: Becoming aggressive, bullying
Flight: Running or fleeing the situation, anxious
Freeze: Becoming incapable of moving or making a choice, dissociative
Fawn: Trying to please a person to avoid conflict, co-dependent
Face: Staying with it. For this to be effective, we need commitment, capacity and skills.

Karpman Drama Triangle
Stephen Karpman modelled the connection between personal responsibility and power in conflicts, and the destructive and shifting roles that people play. He defined three roles: Persecutor, Rescuer (power over) and Victim (power under).
Rescuer: See themselves as the “helper”, they need someone to rescue (victim) in order to feel important
Persecutor: Identify themselves primarily as a victim and is usually in denial about their blaming tactics
Victim: See themselves as intrinsically damaged and incapable, denies both their problem-solving abilities and their potential for self-generated power. They often feel highly resentful towards those on who they depend.
The Rescuer and the Persecutor are the opposite extremes of Victim. But regardless of where we start out on the triangle, all roles eventually end up in Victim. The functional alternatives to these are Coach, Challenger and Creator.

I have both anxious and avoidant attachment styles, and my stress response is a combination of fight, flight, freeze, fawn and predominantly face, depending on who I’m in relationship with. My form of facing has had the commitment, but has tended to lack the capacity and the skills. I have danced around the drama triangle. I value independence, because I am frightened of being rejected, especially by the people I love the most. In the past, I have been extremely sensitive to the needs of others, and yet been disconnected from my own feelings, needs and boundaries. Underneath all of this flows an unspoken resentment, the hidden anger that has been there all along, but isn’t really hidden because everyone knows it’s there. Negative emotions don’t cease to exist just because we hide them, despite all the messages telling us to “rise above” them. They are signposts to action that we need to listen to.

Courage and vulnerability

I’m glad to say I am slowly learning another way. I know that I am courageous, and that the root of courage is cor, the Latin word for heart. I know that when my heart pounds, it is the right time to speak. I know that I am now able to be vulnerable, and I will survive, whatever the outcome. It’s still scary and it feels like the stakes are high, but I know that my commitment to connection, co-operation and ultimately love is the most important thing. The untenable alternative is disconnection and the loss of myself.

“Compassionate people ask for what they need.
They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it.
They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
~ Brené Brown

I have been co-leading an online Zenergy Facilitation Master Class over the past two months. The core of our Zenergy co-operative model is Purpose; we all have our individual purpose and from that comes the group purpose (which as an aside is so beautiful, I just have to share it with you “Leaping into radical care for life!”) Like a sports master class, our master class is about us working our leading edge; something that holds us back from being a masterful facilitator, or maybe a strength that we want to amplify. Mine is “Speaking my truth and staying present” and my co-leader’s is “Holding space for transformational learning.”

Last week, on a separate project, we were designing a workshop for a group of community stakeholders where there is bound to be conflict and differences of opinion. During the design process, I was triggered by something my co-leader said. After responding to him, he became frustrated and we ended up having a heated exchange. Even though we were trying to own our own responses, we were still subtly shooting arrows across the boughs. Eventually, I realised that what he said was just not ok with me. I didn’t need to defend my position. I was able to finally say “x is just not ok with me, bottom line. I don’t want to work in that way.” It felt clean. It felt powerful. It felt compassionate. As a result, he was able to connect with that and ask if I could give him some leeway if he was clumsy in the future, which of course I can. I am not asking for perfection, just to be heard and understood.

When we speak from our authentic selves, we are respecting who we are, our values and our needs, rather than making the other person wrong; it is much easier for the other person to hear. We laughed at the irony that we had just mirrored what we are likely to encounter in the workshop, and quickly moved into a more creative and synergistic space, knocking the rest of the design out with ease. Later that day, I sent him a note:

“I want to share with you that today is probably the first time in my life I have spoken like I did to you. It felt like I was speaking from true north, and that I have taken a huge step forward in working with my edge [of speaking my truth and staying present]. And it was possible because you worked your edge so well and held space for my transformational learning. Thank you for that safe container. What a wonderful way to end 2020.” I received an equally heartfelt response. Man, I love this work!

So how do we tie this all together? In summary:

• life experiences may cause us to develop coping mechanisms that disconnect us from who we really are and cause barriers to deep and authentic connection;
• when we are able to truly connect with our own responses, without blame or shame, and speak from that place, we have more chance of being seen, heard and understood, and of consequently seeing, hearing and understanding others;
• it is difficult to do this work in isolation.

If we are committed to connection and co-operation, we must take responsibility for getting to know ourselves physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually, and honouring that beautiful and imperfect self. This takes commitment and capacity, but when we are willing to look in the mirror and put our own life jacket on first, we are more likely to be able to love and care for those around us.

I don’t want to fight you,
nor surrender.
I want something
beautifully in the middle
where there is flow.
A place where
we balance each other
and we become stronger,
together.
~ JmStorm