It is exactly a year since I fell off my happy cloud. This time last year I was excited to be heading away on a mystery weekend, a birthday gift from my partner. We met Dad for an 84^th birthday coffee en route, and headed north, calling in at Ngawha Hot Springs, a favourite ancestral place of mine, and ending up in Omapere, where I was treated to a night tour of the Waipoua Forest. But something shifted that weekend, and a month later, the relationship we agreed was the best of our lives, was over, tipping me into my toughest year yet.

After a lighter start to 2019, I have had a couple of roller coaster weeks. My third nephew was born, and one of my favourite three remaining uncles left us, a challenging time for our family as we bore witness to the cancer that claimed him.  In between times, I’ve conducted two emotional wedding ceremonies and had a coffee date with a new man, which expanded into eight hours; the result of an alignment of philosophies and an easy attraction. It may or may not go anywhere, and that’s ok.

This is what I wanted. To align with the cycle of life. To do soul-based work. To connect.

I’ve already talked a lot about grief, and it has been a gift to get to know it more intimately. But what about growth? I always knew this would be a breakthrough period with a silver lining somewhere, and this past year, although my most painful, has given me my biggest gift yet. The decision to leave corporate life in July has enabled me to deepen my skills in holding space, coaching, and ceremony. I am half way through a Tikanga Maori (Maori Culture) course and am enjoying exploring the potential of weaving the best of Maori and pakeha culture together, a potent combination if we could enact it. And, I am co-creating two new learning opportunities in the areas of self-facilitation and women’s healing (based on the work of Jeff Brown). Although I have left the corporate world, I have taken the enduring relationships with me and continue to work with them in different guises.

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing” – Socrates

I have learnt that I am wise; I love exploring the meaning of life and knowing nothing! I am passionate about us getting to know ourselves so we can connect with each other, and I want to be, and work, with people who feel the same way… and that simply by setting that intention, it is now happening.

I have learnt that I can feel angry and upset if I don’t feel heard when trying to connect with someone, that quality and fairness are important to me, and that I can no longer tolerate outdated structures that serve only their owners, while they care nothing for their customers or employees. I have also learnt that many talented people don’t always have the confidence or courage to follow their dreams, and I feel sad about that.

And most importantly, I have learnt that to move through grief, it is crucial to release trauma from the body. My experience is that the body and heart informs the mind, not the other way around. We must connect with, and listen to our bodies. Often we are carrying around other people’s baggage, and it’s not always easy to dislodge. By letting go of this, I have managed to keep my heart open and deepened my capacity for compassion and empathy.

In a nutshell, I am learning to:

• Be present
  • Learn from the past, set intention for the future, trust the now
  • It’s ok to express fully, laugh and cry – it’s human and whole
• Be in the flow
  • If it feels good and feels right, do it
  • If it doesn’t, have a conversation or walk away
  • Know that “this too shall pass”
• Look in the mirror
  • When triggered by something, apply curiosity rather than judgement
  • Have compassion for myself and know that I’m OK.

I think this quote from Jeff Brown, sums it up beautifully. To me, it applies in all areas of our life, not just intimate relationships.

“I don’t know too many love connections that got anywhere good, when one had to “fight” for the other. If you are fighting for love, lay down your arms. Love meets us half way or nowhere at all. They will come if they wish. And you will decide then how you feel. In the meantime, love yourself in every way possible.” – Jeff Brown @ Soulshaping

It is now Dad’s 85^th birthday, and his memory is fading. Last weekend we had precious family time together at his home up north, where he feels most comfortable now. My nephews camped on the lawn and played back yard cricket, I picked blackberries and we had a BBQ and went to the beach. We returned to Auckland with bottled peaches and beetroot. Long may this Kiwi way of life and family connection continue.

Completing this mosaic (in the image above) today shows that something beautiful can emerge from a broken heart, but there is also a place for learning through joy, and I’d like a bit more of that in the future please.

I will finish off with The Journey by David Whyte, a soulful Irish poet. Listen to him speak it here: https://wordsfortheyear.com/2015/08/13/the-journey-by-david-whyte/

And if you are also trying to heal a broken heart, you might be interested in our Sacred Feminine Rising course coming soon. Click here for this and our other upcoming events.