Five years ago, at my lowest ebb, I voiced to a counsellor that I didn’t know what the point of my life was. I didn’t have children, my relationship had ended and I had just chosen to walk away from my career. She said something that has stayed with me ever since.

“Kelly, you are healing, and that is the most important thing anyone can do.”

I am so grateful for those words. Taking responsibility for my own healing has turned out to be one of the most caring things I can do for myself, my family and my community.

Basic Emotional Needs

Social scientist John Heron tells us, in his map of emotional needs, that the minimum needs that must be met to be emotionally functional are:
–  to love and be loved
–  to understand and be understood
–  and to choose and be chosen.

When these emotional needs are met, we experience:
–  acceptance of self and others
–  ability to make sense of the world
–  and ability to perform and achieve. 

When these needs are not met, we sow the seeds of:
–  grief and sorrow
–  fear and confusion
–  anger and frustration.

This is when healing is required.

The Foundations of Resentment

I have always been a “good” member of society and conformed to the rules, but deep down I never felt good enough. I tried to keep everyone happy, held everything in, was disconnected from my feelings and needs, and was unable to have difficult conversations for fear of the consequences. I was brought up in a home where one parent was angry (I recognise that now as grief) and moody, and the other parent colluded with that behaviour using humour and pacification. It was a recipe for disconnection and misunderstanding.

When we suppress our feelings, we de-press them, and carry them in our bodies. I remember biting down on my sheets when I was three years old. I imagine that was to keep the anger in  or… as a response to the stress I felt. I ground my teeth when I slept, and an ex said he noticed when I was angry by how I set my jaw. I see now that these were signposts to my underlying needs that weren’t being met.

We can suppress our feelings, but they are still there just below the surface. Recently I realised that the feeling that was increasingly rising to the surface in me was Resentment.

“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”
~ Brené Brown

Bingo! And when we experience resentment or any of these, we armour up and disconnect. Pain in disguise.

Embodying Trauma – Our Own or That of Others

We can accumulate pain through traumatic events that are left unprocessed; either our own or that of those around us. Studies show that epigenetics, the passing of trauma through DNA is real: trauma can be passed down through up to six generations. So, an understanding of our ancestral stories, and a focus on healing the wounds of the past can be crucial for the wellbeing of generations that follow.

Healing via Honouring of our Needs

So how do we process this trauma and start the healing process?

The feeling of Resentment has been a big signpost for me, and Brené Brown’s book Atlas of the Heart has helped immensely. In it she explains that Resentment “is an emotion we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on events we can’t control like what others think, feel or how they’re going to react.”

Even though I am an introvert, I am outspoken but, until recently, I was unable to have honest conversations in a one-on-one situation if there was likely to be potential fallout. My experience (and possibly the experience of my female ancestors) had taught me that it wasn’t safe. I look around and notice others who are suffering because they are not able to be fully themselves; they too, are afraid of speaking up for fear of the consequences.

“I struggle setting boundaries.
I struggle with coping with the emotions from setting boundaries”
~ Tory Eletto

Carrying this resentment was no longer an option for me, so this has been the theme of my inner work in 2023. It just seemed to evolve as the work I had been doing for the past seven years around non-violent communication (NVC) started to come alive in me. I started to listen to my body, identify what it wanted to say, and have the courage to speak it. 

High Level Wellness

When I shared some recent examples in one of Heather Plett’s Holding Space programs, A Full-Bodied Life, Dr Connie Allen, Wellness Researcher reflected how the research from her PhD aligned with my experience.

From speaking with adults who described themselves as being particularly healthy, happy and well (high level wellness), Connie discovered “High level wellness is the sense of peace (wellbeing) that comes from knowing, liking and being who you are. Healthy, happy people learn who they are over time, through a process of experiential learning. They tune into what’s going on, try something (act and learn), and integrate the lessons learned. They are committed to enhancing their wellbeing and reducing suffering. They develop systems and supports to help them thrive.”

Connie connected with my sharing, which aligned with her three principles:
– tune in to what’s going on
– try something (act and learn)
– and integrate the lessons learned.

“If the pain was deep, you will have to let it go many times”
~ Yung Pueblo

Tune in to What’s Going On

This year, I have been more in tune with my body, or more precisely my heart. When something needs to be addressed, it feels like my heart is pumping so hard, people can probably see it. It is a sign that I need to be courageous. Interesting that the word ‘courage’ is derived from Middle English (denoting the heart, as the seat of feelings), from Old French corage, and from Latin cor ‘heart’.

Try Something – Act and Learn

This year, I have stepped into difficult conversations, because the potential cost of not having them was more pain and disconnection. I had tough conversations with family, co-workers, friends,  mentors, neighbours, and recently harnessed a great deal of courage to reach out to an ex-partner for some final closure. For other people, these conversations may be normal interactions, but for me they were confronting and scary. I felt vulnerable.

So, what happened?

In nearly every situation, we either came to a better understanding of each other or were able to meet everyone’s needs, or found a better outcome. In the one situation where the other party was not willing to engage, the simple fact that I acted and received that response meant I was able to release the dominant emotion that I had been unable to access—anger. I safely released it using a baseball bat and a cushion – a form of somatic healing. 

Through honouring my own needs, my level of resentment, judgment and self-criticism has lessened. My empathy and compassion levels have improved. This has shown up in my teaching. On a recent course, students shared “Kelly, I loved your calm and informed presence as a lecturer. You had a nice sense of humour and were a gentle, yet assured guide.”

“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
~ Brené Brown

Integrate the Lessons Learned

I have learnt that, if connection is my intention, there is usually a positive outcome.
I have learnt that regardless of the outcome, honouring my own needs is a form of release and a step on the healing journey.
I have learnt that the courage to have these conversations has brought about opportunities for solutions, growth, and deeper connection.

And I have learnt that some people do not have the capacity to have these conversations. And that’s OK too. I can meet my needs for mourning and healing in other ways.

I have also noticed how working this muscle has enabled me to be more open to others’ honest sharing and vulnerability. Like anything I want to improve, it’s about commitment and practice.

“I think so often, what people misunderstand about boundaries is that the point of setting them is not to change other people’s behaviour or convince them to value different things – it’s to advocate for yourself regardless of how they react”
~ Daniell Koepke

Imagine what we could do as individuals, couples, families, and communities if each of us had the commitment, courage and skills to focus on our own healing. What might be possible?

Peacemaking doesn’t mean passivity
It is the act of interrupting injustice without mirroring injustice,
The art of disarming evil without destroying the evildoer
The act of finding a third way that is neither fight nor flight (or fawn or freeze)
But the careful, arduous pursuit of reconciliation and justice
It is about a revolution of love that is big enough
to set both the oppressed and oppressor free.
~ Shane Claiborne, Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals