I have always found endings difficult. Returning from visits to my father when I was young, the end of holidays, relationships, pets, jobs to name a few.

When things end and we sweep the pain under the carpet, the grief accumulates and turns into baggage that we carry with us into future relationships.

So, conscious of this, I was processing a recent loss with a friend yesterday. Mine was the end of a connection of a couple of months and hers was a redundancy after 20 years of working for a brand she loved.

What was fascinating was that there were so many parallels. 

When something ends, society is great at finalising the financial and the logistical aspects. Think about divorce. But ongoing grief happens when we don’t complete the emotional aspects of the loss. We have a tendency to just try to move on and replace it (a new job, a new dog, a new partner), without any care, attention or rehabilitation for the pain we have experienced. Imagine if we did that with a broken leg! 

It is also common after a loss, to demonise or enshrine the other party. It’s important that we are very honest with ourselves. Otherwise we can get very stuck.

So here are the similarities in the emotional responses the two of us were releasing:

– we absolutely LOVED x, y & z about the relationship/job

– we’re so FEARFUL that we won’t find them again 

– but there were also aspects of the relationship that we felt UPSET about

– and there were aspects of the relationship where we felt DISAPPOINTED in ourselves for the role we played

– we LONGED for a more honest and mutual exchange so we could have understood each others’ perspectives and reached the conclusion together 

– but we realised that we are also GLAD that the ending wasn’t done very sensitively. It actually makes it easier to let it go

– and, last but not least, we were both CURIOUS about why we are so HEARTBROKEN about a situation that was not mutually nourishing.

Some questions I’m left with are:

– what earlier experiences of self-worth and loss are we carrying into situations that cloud our judgement, cause us to stay too long, and impact our response when they end? 

– how do we stay connected and curious, and show up with vulnerability, courage and grace when we feel ourselves “being rejected,” rather than the common responses of fight/flight/freeze or fawn?

– how do we celebrate the connection and say goodbye with an open heart, sensitivity, integrity and love?

And lastly, I feel GRATEFUL that I have been gifted so many endings over the past five years. Facing them head on has injected more heart into my relationship with myself, my relationships with others and into my work. Exploring our relationship with loss and endings is very worthwhile work.