Imagine feeling physically healthy, emotionally healthy, mentally healthy and spiritually healthy. Wow! How would it impact your day-to-day life? How would it feel? What would be different? How would it impact those around you?

We work with people in Australia and New Zealand who have experienced different types of  loss. At the end of 2021 we reflected on why some of our clients, friends and we ourselves, had taken huge steps forward and why some hadn’t. What were the factors that helped us let go of our baggage, pain and suffering, and lead a more connected life?

We also reflected on how many New Year’s resolutions focus on physical health, going to the gym, dieting, changing our body in some way. However, it is often our emotional health that acts as a barrier to achieving those goals and saps our energy eg: comfort eating when we are upset, lack of self-worth, baggage from the past weighing us down.

Why do we not prioritise our emotional health? Imagine if we broke our leg, and the diagnosis was “Just give it time, you’ll get over it”. Or if we were shot and didn’t remove the bullet. That’s ridiculous. So why do we do that with a broken heart? Why do we sweep it under the mat and hope it goes away? Because it’s uncomfortable for all of us and no one wants to look at it, that’s why. 

But did you know that grief is cumulative? Every time we experience loss (death, job, relationship, health, trust, security to name a few) and don’t process the emotions associated with it, the lump under the mat gets bigger until it spills out and we can no longer ignore it.

So, how can we care for our emotional health in 2022?

Dare to Dream

A new year.  Time to dream.  Time to let go of past regrets and future worries.  Time to open ourselves to the possibility of a different life in 2022.  What’s important to us?  What would life be like if we didn’t have chronic back pain, too many kilos, a job we can’t stand, unhappy relationships, an ongoing date with procrastination?  Do we even believe a better life is possible?

Here’s a simple exercise to try.  It need not take long:

• Find somewhere quiet.. sit, walk, swim, ride… without distractions.
• Complete this statement: When my heart feels calm, I am…
• Tap into your heart… How do I feel? What am I doing? Where am I? Who am I with? Don’t let your mind hijack your heart with the “How?” questions. How will I feel when I am no longer stuck in the past or worrying about the future?
• Make a note of your answers to these questions.

Clarity of intention is key to it happening.

Educate Yourself

Our work has opened our eyes to how little we, as a society understand about the relationship between loss and feelings.  Our emotional vocabulary is often limited to the famous four – Mad, Sad, Glad, Bad. To compound this, we have been brought up with misleading beliefs about grief and loss.  We are told to ‘Be Strong’, ‘Keep Busy’ or that ‘Time Heals all Wounds’. As a result, our pain accumulates over time and we feel less and less alive, but don’t really know why.  Understanding these social norms is the key to noticing and changing them.

The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James is an easy to read introduction to the subject if you’d like to know more.

Explore Your Family History

Have you noticed that there are certain physical and behavioural patterns that have repeated themselves in your family tree? We have. 

Past trauma, such as living through world wars, abuse, abandonment often play out across generations. Recognising and understanding these patterns can be a useful tool in interrupting them, so they are not passed to future generations. This is important work!

Almost two hundred years ago, a young indigenous woman in South Australia had to relinquish her two children to a Scottish missionary.   When the family history was traced forward from this event, a pattern was identified where children were often disconnected from their families either physically or emotionally. This had become the norm.

If you’d like some examples, click here for an example of what Kelly learnt by exploring her tree and here for how it helped her heal her relationship with her Mum.

Let Go of Shame

Society tells us to be successful; to accumulate rather than discard.  Qualifications, career, money, house, children, grandchildren. When we experience loss or never achieve them in the first place, we often experience shame, particularly if we feel that we have failed. We feel alone. No one else could possibly have been as foolish.  We shut ourselves away – physically and/or emotionally. We armour up. Did you know that shame is the most prevalent feeling in prisons?

We must let go of our fear of what others may think, say or do.  It is vital to acknowledge what we are experiencing, with someone we trust; this keeps us connected.

“Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.”
~ Brené Brown

Commit to Recovery, not just Discovery

There are so many resources available for us to explore how events have shaped us; books, blogs, articles, psychologists/counsellors, documenting the trauma or loss in our lives. While this can be helpful, it is fundamentally a process of discovery that engages our mind in analysing our past to understand our present. The downside is that it can prevent us from actually doing our rehab work.

Think about losing your job.  Our brains analyse the loss – profits were down, redundancies inevitable, last hired first fired – and we can understand it.  But still the loss hurts us.  We loved that job. If we really want to feel better and recover from this body blow, we need to go further.  Our brain cannot mend our broken heart. Like rehabilitating a broken leg, we need to work our heart muscle if it is to heal.

Ask for Support

Often, we know things aren’t right but we trundle on alone. Perhaps we are bent on avoiding our pain or just hope that “time will heal”.  When we only have ourselves to talk to, it is easy to get stuck on an intellectual merry-go-round. 

In our work with groups, our participants are pleasantly surprised by the healing that occurs when someone listens to their story without judgement or comment. Find that person or group and take the first step.

“You cannot judge yourself for needing help”  
~ Brené Brown

Take Responsibility

No matter what life has thrown at us, taken from us, dealt out to us at the hands of another, we always retain the ability to choose how we respond or react. Not necessarily at the time, but certainly in the aftermath.  

If we spend our lives waiting for someone to apologise for their actions, or hear our version, we will often be waiting a long time – especially if they are dead, no longer in our lives or not willing to engage. 

The price we pay is staying stuck in the drama and remaining a victim. By taking responsibility for our feelings and reactions, we can regain our power and energy, and be present to those in our life now.

Work Your Heart Muscle

Our feelings are important signposts to identifying unmet needs in ourselves and others. Recognising how we feel supports us to have constructive conversations, be ourselves and work through issues.  

When we suppress our feelings, we disconnect from those around us, and bury our own needs. This often results in nagging physical pain, sleep deprivation and seeking short term relief resulting in unhealthy relationships with food, alcohol, drugs, sex, exercise or work. 

Ironically, by burying our feelings to avoid pain and discomfort, we often perpetuate the very situation we want to avoid.

When we are totally honest and expose every last raw feeling, we give our heads a rest, say goodbye to unmet hopes, dreams or expectations and find freedom.

“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; but eventually it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds. Stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain, that is holding you in your past, the memories and make peace with them”
~ Iyanla Vansant

Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is a wonderful tool that can widen our vocabulary of feelings and needs.

Go Easy on Yourself

Everyone has their own unique experiences of loss, grief, anxiety and fear, and it will show up in different ways.  

By removing judgement, of both others and ourselves, we create a safe environment to share vulnerable experiences, resulting in deeper connection, a reduction of shame, and the opportunity for self-acceptance, compassion and love.

Remember to nourish yourself.

In Summary

It is important to take a breath and reflect when we react to a person or an event. We do have a choice in how we respond.  A triggered or amplified response may indicate that we have still more work to do – we need to work that heart muscle again.

Just because we run a marathon, it doesn’t mean our body will remain healthy without ongoing exercise. It is the same with our emotional health. It’s an ongoing process.  Even when we’ve dealt with our past, the future will inevitably bring loss, change and other curve balls that upset our equilibrium.  

“Time does not heal all wounds. It just gives them space to sink into your subconscious where they will still impact your emotions and behaviour. What heals is going inwards, loving yourself, accepting yourself, listening to your needs, addressing your attachment and emotional history, learning how to let go and following your intuition”
~ Abhishek Mishra

Like doing our rehab exercises and walking on our crutches after we break a leg, just like the pain of having the bullet removed, it’s not easy. But the rewards are worth it. Increased connection, less isolation, better physical and mental health and the ability to respond consciously rather than react.

In a time when confusion is rife, when loss is all around us, the biggest gift we can give ourselves and our family is to heal our heart and stay connected. 

About the authors: Pip Ahern and Kelly Townsend have backgrounds in Grief/Loss, HR, Facilitation, Project Management, Business Consulting and Ceremony. From dysfunctional beginnings, thousands of hours and $’s spent on our own emotional development has supported us to become more connected human beings. Our learning continues.

Pip’s website can be found here. Kelly & Pip both have copies of the Grief Recovery Handbook available at cost price.