I have spent the past four days co-leading a Zenergy Art of Facilitation workshop in Auckland. Twelve courageous men and women showed up, ready for the highs and lows of experiential and transformational learning; being in the facilitator hot seat, working in the unknown and utilising feedback from the group to add tools to their facilitator ketes.

Facilitation supports my purpose of Freedom Through Connection, the “why” of my mahi/work. When we are facilitating, we are always learning about relationship, with ourselves and with others.

My goal for this year was to deepen my ability to be fully present. When everyone brings this to a relationship or a group (or indeed just within ourselves), it lays the foundation for synergy, being in flow and fulfilling our purpose.

The Impact of Beliefs

Depending on our life experiences and beliefs, we all have different learning edges as facilitators and in our relationships with others. These can hamper our ability to be present and stay connected. These have been two of mine:

• I need to be perfect to be loved (aka I am not good enough)
• I am responsible for everything (aka everything is my fault)

These beliefs served me well for over 50 years. I was extremely driven, focused on task and quality, and successful in my corporate career as a result. I got stuff done. A perfect fit with our western values of productivity, but these beliefs eventually took their toll.

The Role of Relationship

In the 1980’s and 90’s I spent a lot of time and money on different therapies; counselling, re-birthing, hypnotherapy… you name it, I tried it. But it was only in my facilitation training (which I embarked on in 2001) that I was able to really start working on those learning edges. I know now that it is only in relationship that I can evolve.

“The willingness to show up changes us, it makes us a little braver each time.”
~ Brene Brown

Heart and Courage

When we have been hurt in the past, it requires courage to be in relationship. I was 52 when I first gave my heart to someone unconditionally. I (and it) was shattered when the relationship ended. However, giving myself space for healing and working with the old trauma and the wound that it ripped open, has made my heart even stronger.

Cor is the Latin word for heart and the root of the word courage. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” When I am speaking honestly and courageously, I can feel my heart nearly pumping out of my chest.

It is the same with facilitation. We are working with the unknown. Whatever comes up in the group has the potential to open old wounds; for the facilitator and the group members. We don’t know where they are, what they look like, or when they will be revealed. We need courage in our toolbox, and we also need to accept that we are all human.

“What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.” ~ Brene Brown

Avoidance and Disconnection

I’m pleased to say that my belief about perfection doesn’t have so much power over me anymore. Letting go of it has freed me up to be more creative, hold things more lightly and have more fun, trust and spaciousness in my life. It has also made me more accepting of others.

However, the belief about responsibility has been brought to bear in a few situations lately. In our relationships, or when we are facilitating or holding space for an individual or a group, an intervention can take place (it could be words, an action inside the room, an event that happens outside the room or even something as tiny as a facial expression) that triggers something in one or more members of the group. It could be anything. Unless we know each other very well, we will have no idea what is going on for other people.

I don’t always know when this is happening, or to what degree. This could be because:

• I’m not fully present and connected – eg: maybe I’m anxious or tired, or looking at a situation too intellectually
• the person who has been triggered is hiding it, or not owning their reaction or not expressing it clearly enough for me to understand.

Unlike some other countries where people speak more directly, in NZ we often prefer to roll with it or keep the peace. However, fear of conflict or stifling honest communication will only sweep it under the carpet until the carpet no longer covers it. It will eventually spill over into stress, violence, blaming, finding an alliance so you can collectively blame, numbing the pain through vices such as alcohol, drugs, porn, technology or work, or just show up as out and out disconnection.

It is therefore important that we learn how to be vulnerable and skilled in owning and speaking our own truths. Most of us are not brought up this way, but interestingly this is key to connection and compassion.

“One of the most shocking findings of my work was the idea that the most compassionate people I have interviewed over the last 13 years were also the absolutely most boundaried.”
~ Brene Brown

Courage and Connection

Over the past eight years, I have noticed my development in this area. When something didn’t feel right, I transitioned through the following approaches:

• I know something is wrong, but avoid raising it because I might not like the answer – this is often what happens when we are used to being the one “in the wrong” =>
• I have the courage to broach the topic, but curl up into a foetal position to protect myself from the response =>
• I think I know what is going on but choose not to raise it because I want the other person to own their reaction – I am not going to offer myself up on a plate for them.

Now I sit down with the other person, put an intention in the middle and seek alignment eg: “I’m having this conversation because I care about you and I care about our relationship – are you on board with that?”, then I ask what’s going on for them and have enough care and compassion for myself, so I feel safe when they share their response.

“Vulnerability is not about winning or losing. It’s having the courage to show up even when you can’t control the outcome.” ~ Brene Brown

I am proud of my development in this area, but I still have some work to do when it feels like someone is blaming me for something they are feeling. This happened recently when a faction appeared in a session I was facilitating. It is the first time I have experienced blaming and scapegoating as a facilitator, something that can happen when a group or individual is not fully taking responsibility for their own reactions. I went to that “I am responsible for everything” place and started to disconnect in self-preservation. If I was fully present, I could have connected in with the person’s unspoken needs, and guided them so they could make a request to improve their level of comfort. By not addressing it, it gathered momentum and resurfaced again later. However, it also presented an opportunity for group learning, and the eventual resolution contributed to refinement of the group culture (how we agree to work together) and deeper connection and safety.

So as always, there is more to heal, more to work on. If our work is about people and relationship, this is our life’s work.

Gratitude

This week combined the ingredients of 12 unique and courageous facilitators, Akasadaka my co-leader, Dale our mentor, and a group purpose of “To grow as individuals and facilitators in commitment to healing our world and all its communities.“ When we baked them for four days in a group culture with “Aroha” at its centre, it brought about deep learning, healing and connection, and my heart cracked open even more. I am so grateful for all that this work gifts me and in turn, those around me.