Have you ever wondered what the difference between fitting in and belonging is?

Brene Brown’s research highlighted that “Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.”

A year ago last week, I left corporate life, and started exploring Freedom Through Connection more fully. As two planets collided and a relationship ended at the same time, I have been gentle with myself, valuing the time it takes for healing and letting go; an alien experience for an independent achiever.

At the beginning of the year, I started keeping a diary and recording each day’s soul moment, and what I was grateful for. It has been interesting to read back through these and look at the themes. So one year on, what have I learned? Here are my random musings about connection and what it means to me.

Myself

• Being clear about my values, what’s ok for me right now and what isn’t, and being able to own and speak them when required
• Knowing when I need to take time out to recharge. I’m 50/50 introvert/extrovert so to be engaged and present with people, I need just as much alone time
• Letting it all in and letting it all go; making peace with all emotions, I can not experience joy without pain. The choice is all or nothing. I choose to stay open, not shut down
• Knowing and connecting with my ancestry, the wisdom of those who came before

Nature

• Being in nature, feeling like such a small spec (or is a spec small anyway?) that it puts everything in perspective
• Spending quality time with my gentle cat, Olive, who I love lots and who has wisdom and healing of her own
• Sunrises, sunsets, storms, beach walking, being on the water, gardening
• Choosing to connect with people in nature, rather than noisy, stress-ful environments

Relationships

• Being with friends, old and new, with mutual depth, love and humour
• Being with family however they show up. Respecting and taking care of the elders, guiding the young, playing with them and seeing them as unique individuals
• Being with someone where they’re at right now; listening, hearing, seeing, bearing witness without judgement or advice, and vice versa if they have the capacity for it
• Knowing when to walk away with grace and dignity. Like walking the labyrinth, we may be walking towards a common goal, but taking different paths to get there. Allowing time to cross again if and when we do
• Sharing a goal or intention with someone and being committed to doing whatever it takes to get there together; usually it includes being connected to myself, owning my own stuff and having the courage to be honest and vulnerable
• Being able to keep my mouth shut sometimes when it’s just not helpful to open it
• Giving random praise when it is due, expressing gratitude and love without expecting anything in return or being fearful of it not being received
• Understanding the difference between being honest and being fully transparent
• Staying in touch with very old friends who know and accept you warts and all – this picture is one of my oldest friends from school, who does just that. Thank you Natalie.

Senses

• Using all my senses; trying different foods from different places, the smell of a forest or morning coffee, clean sheets after a hot bath, swimming in the sea, a river or a hot pool, sun on my skin, wrapping up warmly on a winter’s day, singing at the top of my voice, looking at beautiful things (for me that usually means lots of colour), massage, making love in the bubble of sacred space.

Exploration

• Being curious, travelling, exploring, learning, seeking out others with open minds
• Trusting my gut and going with it, even if it feels a bit edgy, exploring my boundaries, and trusting that I’ll be ok
• Being creative, trying new modalities, playing, having fun
• Letting go of perfectionism and productivity, choosing flow and ease, knowing I can act in each new moment as it arises

Our World

• Connecting with others around the world who care for our world
• Being as informed and engaged as possible
• Developing a sense of how I can contribute

Spirit, mystery

• Trusting that the energy will take me where I need to go; being connected is not the same as being attached
• Feeling homesick for the UK and thinking about someone I haven’t heard from for a while, and arriving home to a letter in the mailbox from them – thanks Rhiannon!
• Presence with a peaceful heart
• A sense that there’s something bigger, that I can tap in to.

Connection is belonging. It is spirit. It is source. It is home. It is freedom. It is acceptance. It is love. To me, it is all there is.

Last week I spent nine days in Queensland connecting with old and new friends and colleagues. And attending a conference; more learning… yum! I also caught up with an old boss and his wife who I hadn’t seen for over 15 years, purely on the spur of the moment as he came to mind when I was on the Brisbane River. It was all wonderful, my blissful, happy place. On my last day, I was walking along a quiet, leafy street on Coochiemudlo Island and felt very alone. At the airport when I said goodbye to my friend, I was very teary and felt very emotional. I am not alone, and I never feel lonely. But it raised the question…

When we look into each others’ eyes, accept each other as we are and shine a light on the best of each other, it is Connection. So I wonder whether we can ever experience this alone or whether it is only in mutuality that we experience it?

Or maybe we are never alone. Maybe this answers my question.

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
~ Brene Brown

As I edit this post, I have just picked up a beautiful email from a friend of one year, who I met on an NVC (Non-Violent Communication) course. Her message speaks from the heart, sharing gratitude for our connection and the learning and love that comes from it. In ending, she shared this poem by Juliet Batten, a NZ writer who has a depth of wisdom on life and ritual, and whose course “The Sacred Art of Ritual” I attended earlier this year. Merci beaucoup Veronique. And now I am sharing it with you… connecting.