What does a celebrant and facilitator who is passionate about transition and ritual do when they’re turning 60? When they love their friends, adore the Mary Quant daisy and everything it symbolises (freedom, breaking societal norms, colour, boldness and individuality), and they’ve never been married? They have a transition ceremony in circle, with their closest friends, with a Mary Quant daisy theme, followed by champagne and a cake to match. That’s what!

Why?

I have been excited to hit every other “0” milestone, but 60 felt different. You’d think I would be glad to leave my 50’s behind, as they were a real roller coaster. I was ready to jump on the peace train!

My other reasons for choosing this transition circle were:
• I wanted to celebrate with the people who nourish my soul, and a lot of these people don’t know each other
• I wanted it to be meaningful. Working in the death space, I’m all too aware how important it is to tell people how you feel about them while they’re still alive
• I needed support taking this step. This was a biggie for me, as up until now, I’ve been a pretty independent operator
• And lastly, I wanted to give it a crack in the hope that others might think about adopting some elements of it in future.

What is a Transition Ceremony?

A transition ceremony marks the human side of change in someone’s life. The personal, emotional and psychological transitions that they must go through to accept and adapt to the change. All change begins with an ending, leaving behind what exists currently. The next phase is the neutral zone, the wilderness between what was and what will be. And the final phase is new beginnings, getting on with a new way of doing things. Our ceremony marked each of those.

The Planning & Design

I tested the water with a number of friends before deciding to do this, and was heartened that so many people said, “I’ll be there!”

It was important that the invite was clear:

“I have decided to cross this threshold with a small gathering of my very favourite people, of which you are one! So, if you’re up for ceremony, circle, compliments, courage, connection, champagne and cake in a cottage in a cemetery, please join me…”

Everyone who could be there accepted the invitation. Three friends who really wanted to be there, but couldn’t (two from overseas, and one who died three days earlier), were given the choice of who they would like to represent them and chose a lion, an elephant and an owl.

There were 18 friends present, including four of my closest family. Seven were male including my two teenage nephews who chose to be there… mention cake and they will come!

It took place in a beautiful old settler’s cottage in the middle of a cemetery where I have co-hosted a number of community events with my friend Helen. I am grateful for the space being kindly gifted to me by its custodians.

To be totally honest, I was most excited about sharing my gratitude to each person present and the Mary Quant daisy theme. I can see how brides get carried away with all the pretty stuff and leave the celebrant until last! However, after running my thoughts past my friend and mentor, Kerry-Ann, who teaches the Transitions Through Change & Crisis paper at The Celebrant School, I was encouraged to make two key changes.

Firstly, ask someone else to host the circle, so I could be held within it. Secondly, to really work my edge of being held, being in the centre and receiving… something I was most nervous about. Childhood memories of being called “selfish” and “self-centred” echoed through my mind, but I knew this was a key part of freeing myself as I stepped into my next decade.

I duly asked another friend and mentor (I am very grateful to have these wonderful women in my life), Kathrine to host the circle and she suggested some powerful changes to work those “receiving” edges.

Arrival

Everyone had been asked to arrive at 4pm, when tea, coffee, juice and biscuits (bright coloured daisies of course) would be available.

Kathrine welcomed them and asked them to start chatting with each other about when they first met me. This was going to be the order they sat in the circle. Our furry friends had already been set up as markers. When Get Together by the Youngbloods was played, that was their cue to seat themselves.

Commencement

Kathrine began by setting the scene… NZ back in 1965, talking about the purpose and theme of the ceremony, welcoming and acknowledging those present and absent friends, the people in my life who nourish my soul and accept me as I am.

“Build a circle of friends who are genuine, safe energetically and are mature spiritually. Friends who hold space and not animosity. Who are compassionate – not judgmental. Who take time to check on you and your progress. Who grow through life with you, hold you accountable and wish you well.”

Leaving behind what exists currently

This consisted of two parts. Firstly, reflecting on the past, the time that has gone and the memories that remain, and secondly expressing my gratitude to those present.

In the centre of the circle were cards and daisies. There was a card for each person, where I had written a message of gratitude to that person. I had also set the scene of how we met, so other people learnt about each other. We started with someone choosing a card and reading it to the person it was intended for. That person then went next. This took a little bit of thought around logistics and how it would work. Hint: we chose someone to start and hid their card until the end. 



I had really enjoyed writing these words of love and gratitude to everyone and it was so heartwarming to hear them read and received.

The neutral zone, the wilderness between what was and what will be

Returning to the circle, I reflected on us here and now, on friendship and the qualities we shared.

“𝖨 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝖺𝗌𝗄𝖾𝖽 𝗅𝖺𝗌𝗍 𝗐𝖾𝖾𝗄, ‘W𝗁𝗈 𝗂𝗌 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖻𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽?’ 𝖨 𝖽𝗈𝗇’𝗍 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐. 𝖨 𝖽𝗈𝗇’𝗍 𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝗅𝖺𝗇𝗀𝗎𝖺𝗀𝖾 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝗒𝗆𝗈𝗋𝖾. 𝖨𝗍 𝖽𝗈𝖾𝗌𝗇’𝗍 𝖿𝗂𝗍. 𝖨 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗁𝗈𝗅𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗄𝖾𝗒𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝖽𝗂𝖿𝖿𝖾𝗋𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝖽𝗈𝗈𝗋𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝗆𝗒 𝗉𝖾𝗋𝗌𝗈𝗇𝖺𝗅𝗂𝗍𝗒. 𝖲𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗈𝗉𝖾𝗇 𝗆𝗒 𝗁𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗍. 𝖲𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗆𝗒 𝗅𝖺𝗎𝗀𝗁𝗍𝖾𝗋. 𝖲𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗆𝗒 𝗆𝗂𝗌𝖼𝗁𝗂𝖾𝖿. 𝖲𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗆𝗒 𝗌𝗂𝗇. 𝖲𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗆𝗒 𝖼𝗂𝗏𝗂𝖼 𝗎𝗋𝗀𝖾𝗇𝖼𝗒. 𝖲𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗆𝗒 𝗁𝗂𝗌𝗍𝗈𝗋𝗒. 𝖲𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗆𝗒 𝗋𝖺𝗐𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝖿𝗎𝗌𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗏𝗎𝗅𝗇𝖾𝗋𝖺𝖻𝗂𝗅𝗂𝗍𝗒. 𝖲𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽𝗌, 𝗐𝗁𝗈 𝗆𝖺𝗒 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝖻𝖾 ‘𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖼𝗅𝗈𝗌𝖾𝗌𝗍’ 𝗍𝗈 𝗆𝖾, 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗆𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝗂𝗆𝗉𝗈𝗋𝗍𝖺𝗇𝗍 𝗄𝖾𝗒 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗆𝖾 𝗂𝗇 𝖺 𝗆𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗆𝗒 𝗅𝗂𝖿𝖾. 𝖲𝗈𝗆𝖾, 𝗐𝗁𝗈 𝗆𝖺𝗒 𝖻𝖾 𝖺𝗌 𝖼𝗅𝗈𝗌𝖾 𝖺𝗌 𝗆𝗒 𝗈𝗐𝗇 𝗌𝗄𝗂𝗇, 𝗆𝖺𝗒 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖨 𝗇𝖾𝖾𝖽 𝗍𝗈𝖽𝖺𝗒. 𝖳𝗁𝖾 𝗆𝗂𝗅𝗅𝗂𝗈𝗇-𝗋𝗈𝗈𝗆-𝗆𝖺𝗇𝗌𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝗈𝖿 𝗂𝖽𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗂𝗍𝗒 𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝗈𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗅𝖺𝗉 𝗉𝖾𝗋𝖿𝖾𝖼𝗍𝗅𝗒 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝖺𝗇𝗒𝗈𝗇𝖾.”
~ by Jedidiah Jenkins, the author of To Shake the Sleeping Self

Katherine was not part of the gratitude circle as she was holding the space, so I then spoke my words to her. And to my friend and colleague, Helen, who had died three days earlier, I acknowledged our relationship and shared that I had read my card to her on her birthday in January.

A suitable time for a break and a breath… with a short photo slideshow, including pictures with those present, played to The Seekers, Colours of My Life.

The final phase – new beginnings

So, what next for my 60’s? I talked about what that might look like which was actually very simple; the Mary Quant daisy theme “Be free, be me.” Riding the peace train, rather than the roller coaster.

Best summed up by Bianca Sparacino:

“You’re going to realize it one day — that happiness was never about your job, or your degree, or being in a relationship. Happiness was never about following in the footsteps of all of those who came before you, it was never about being like the others. One day, you’re going to see it — that happiness was always about the discovery, the hope, the listening to your heart and following it wherever it chose to go. Happiness was always about being kinder to yourself, it was always about embracing the person you were becoming. One day, you will understand. That happiness was always about learning how to live with yourself, that happiness was never in the hands of other people. It was always about you. It was always about you.”

Kathrine spoke again about transitions, crossing a threshold, quoting from Irish writer and philosopher, John O’Donoghue:

“A threshold is not a simple boundary; it is a frontier that divides two different territories, rhythms, and atmospheres,… that cannot be crossed without the heart being passionately engaged and woken up.”

I was invited to sit in the centre of the circle… quietly, and patiently, reflecting on the journey I had shared and to journey inward, visualising what I envisaged for my next life stage. The group was asked to take a daisy and pen from the centre and write their own message to me, to support me in stepping into this next stage.

This was the part that I knew would stretch me. Being held and preparing to receive.

I sat in the centre and closed my eyes, while an instrumental of The Byrds’ Turn, Turn, Turn played. I know it wasn’t my job, but I checked to see that everyone was OK and once I saw them all writing away, I closed my eyes. I was surprised to feel so relaxed, so held and so safe. I could have actually gone to sleep. I let go and trusted Kathrine to hold the space.

One at a time, each person spoke their message to me and popped it in my very Aquarian purple and yellow crocheted bag. I was blown away at the care and thought that went into them. From the potentially scariest part of the ceremony, it became my highlight.

Serendipitously, Kathrine then gifted a challenge to me in the form of David Whyte (one of my favourite Irish poets) and The Edge You Carry With You. It starts:

“What is this beguiling reluctance to be happy?
This quickness in turning away the moment you might arrive?
The felt sense, that a moment’s unguarded joy might after all, just kill you?”

I will let you google the rest, but you get the gist.

From the highlight of the centre came the cracking open and a sense of knowing. I had crossed the threshold. I was ready for the peace train.

Close & Celebration

As we often do in ceremony, we closed with a blessing:

Let the rhythm of your own heart’s desires be the beat you keep. Because it’s when you march to the beat of your own drum that your whole life becomes a passionate dance to the most beautiful music your soul has ever heard.”
~ Michelle Weimer

One hour on from when we entered the circle, we duly danced our way out of it to Cat Stevens’ Peace Train, champagne, cake and conversation.

Reflections

I am so glad I had the courage to do this. As my father often said “You reap what you sow” and I believe the level of  courage (cour = heart) we invest is directly proportional to the gems we receive if the space is safe and well held. And I absolutely loved planning and designing all the pretty (read daisy) bits!

One of my highlights was how the conversation and connection flowed afterwards in a way that never would have happened without the circle. Well-held circles are gold. The Circle Way is a great reference, and The Millionth Circle is a group of women who participate in virtual and in-person circles to promote change and world peace. The concept of the Millionth Circle comes from Jean Shinoda Bolen’s book The Millionth Circle: How to Change Ourselves and The World.

Circles and ceremony are often associated with women, but I was so touched to hear the feedback from the men in the circle:
– “I loved sharing yesterday with you and your special people. It made me realise that we don’t have enough ceremony in our lives – every decade we live should be a special celebration. I am now looking forward to my 70th!”
– “It was a beautiful thing to have shared with you – thank you. [Wife’s name] and her best friend were very curious about what happened and when I explained they both said it was a lovely thing both to have done (and to participate in)… lots of courageous vulnerability and heartfelt words which I’m sad to say is a bit rare for me so it was very special!”
– “Thank-you again for your planning and hard work that went into a very enjoyable ceremony. I didn’t know what to expect – but I did know it would be special and, that it was, in bucket loads.”
– “I’m so glad I was there! It was very special and moving.”

And lastly, I now look forward to my 60’s, where I’m told “Wisdom meets freedom and life becomes truly your own.”